Carry On Sketching
Sid James Sidney Hirst
Barbara Windsor Bridget Derriere
Bernard Bresslaw Bernie Todger
Kenneth Williams Dr. Barclays
Charles Hawtrey Charlie Sawbotham
Jim Dale Jack D’lad
Jack Douglas Alf Ippititimus
Scene: typical art classroom from Victorian era, wooden floor, magnolia washed walls, many windows, chunky radiators. In the middle of the room is a platform with a plinth and cushions, surrounded by easels and groups of students chattering amongst themselves, sharpening pencils etc.
In the foreground, buxom young blonde woman in short tight pants, long legs etc is busily trying to attach a large sheet of paper to a board on the easel, with very limited success. Two men are stood back from their easels, watching with delight. Tall man, slightly balding, simple expression is using a knife to sharpen his pencil and each time that young lady drops the paper and bends over, he applies too much pressure to the tip, breaking it. Other man, seedy and wiry cackles with delight, approaching the young woman.
SID: ‘ere, you need an ‘and with that darling?
BABS: Whatever do you mean?
SID: You seem to be ‘aving a little trouble keeping it up.
BABS: You some kind of authority on that subject?
SID: Lets just say I know a trick or two (cackles)…
(Babs stretches with paper on full tip toe, exposing a full chest to the delight of Sid and Bernie)
BABS: Well I get it in the right position, I just can’t
seem to hold it steady….
(Bernie, being very tall and a gentleman, steps forward to take the paper from Babs)
BERNIE: ‘ere you go love, let me help you. Sid, I’ll take this
end, you grab the bottom.
(Sid cheekily chases Babs around the easel as she squeals)
BABS: (Giggling) ‘ere, you keep them ‘ands to yourself!
Cut to the door of the class opening in a majestic fashion, as in strolls the class master with an air of authority about him, stack of books and papers under one arm, gesturing to the air with the other.
BARCLAYS: Good morning class!
ALL: Good morning Doctor.
BARCLAYS: Good. Well, well. Start of a new term, we can
pick up where we left off….
SID: (Glancing at Babs) Just what I was thinking!
BARCLAYS: (Clapping hands) Come, come, quieten down
everybody. We have a lot to get to grips with…
BERNIE: (Wiping brow, furtively looking over Babs) You don’t
SID: (Whispers) ‘ere Bern, we play our cards right with
this one, we could be up for some very interesting
home study. See that one over there…
(Cut to shot of sultry dark haired ‘arty’ type)
…it only turns that her and Babs are bunking up
together this term, small place off the High Street.
(Shot of Bernie looking like a love sick puppy. Barclays shouts over at Bernie, bringing him back with a start.)
BARCLAYS: Todger! Pay attention! Is everything stretched and
BERNIE: I’ll say.
BARCLAYS: (Double take) Yesss….well….come now, eyes to the
BARCLAYS: Today we shall be studying the nude.
(Cut to shot of Alf Ippititimus who nervously fumbles with his art supplies to the cry of ‘Phwaaay!’ dropping most of them, knocking over his easel. Barclays continues regardless.)
BARCLAYS: The human figure has been the subject of drawings
since prehistoric times and while the studio practices
of the artists of antiquity is largely a matter of
conjecture, that they often drew from nude models
is suggested by the anatomical sophistication of
SID: Bernie my son, we are in for a treat!
(Cut to shot of a screen, discreetly positioned near to the platform. A silk robe is thrown over the screen from behind as the model prepares for the class.)
BERNIE: I did wonder why you were so keen on signing up
for this class.
SID: You stick with me Bernie me old china.
BABS: (Suspicious of the boys) ‘ere, what kind of an artist
are you anyway?
BERNIE: Oh, Sid? He’s a conceptual artist…means he thinks
about it a lot.
BABS: I bet he does!
SID: (Slaps Bab’s rear and cackles.)
BERNIE: (Glancing at the dark haired student) Don’t we all…
(Cut to shot of Jim, attired as a typical ‘artist’, beret etc. Young and serious about his art, almost to the point of being pained by it.)
JIM: Dr. Barclays, can we use any medium?
BARCLAYS: My boy, you are free to use any tool close to hand.
ALF: Phwaaay! (Twitches, losing paper, crayons etc.)
BARCLAYS: (Addresses the screen) We are ready for you now.
(From behind the screen appears a rather thin and nervous looking man with glasses, shot of top half only.)
CHARLIE: Oh, hello! (Babs screams.)
BARCLAYS: (Shocked, does double take) I say! (Glances down to
lower half of model) What the devil is this? I
specifically asked for a female nude.
CHARLIE: Oh, charming!
(Charlie is by now seated on a chaise longue on the platform)
BARCLAYS: Stay calm everybody, there has obviously been some
terrible misunderstanding. I’m sure we can get to the
bottom of it…
CHARLIE: I say!
BARCLAYS: …of the PROBLEM, the problem! Would you kindly
put something on!
(Pandemonium as Babs seems to faint into the arms of Sid. Bernie rips a large piece of paper to fan her. Students are hurriedly leaving the class, Alf twitching and ticking in his usual fashion. Jim rushes from his easel to grab the robe, stumbles at the platform, ends up on top of Mr. Sawbotham on the chaise longue.)
Next Week: Carry On Gagging.
Haven’t decided if this one is set in a comedy club or a whore house.